Ah one of those dreaded end of year lists!
Well, since no one asked me – I’ve decided to add to my post about Christmas movie recommendations with a list of my favourite Christmas movies of all time. But rather than list then in a top ten or something equally dull – I decided to split them up into several categories and award a best (and in some cases second best) Christmas movie for each one.
I promise I’ll make it quick.
Also - spoilers. Obviously.
Best Christmas movie featuring a painful sequence involving bare feet and glass
DIE HARD
Along with Home Alone, this movie is responsible for creating an entire sub-genre of movies. ‘Die Hard on a…’
But this is the original and still arguably the best. Plus Alan Rickman makes one of the greatest film debuts of all time!
Best Bit – Punching the reporter in the face.
Best Christmas movie featuring Hugh Grant dancing (but only because Wonka isn’t technically a Christmas movie)
LOVE ACTUALLY
Some people think this movie is overrated and is rather formulaic and tacky.
Those people would be wrong.
Love Actually is proof of why Richard Curtis is a genius. And look at that cast!
Best Bit – So many to choose from – probably Thomas Brodie Sangster somehow not getting body slammed, arrested and detained in some hell-hole CIA blackspot prison as a terrorist suspect when he evades airport security.
Best Christmas Movie featuring paint-cans in the face
HOME ALONE
What can you say about Home Alone that hasn’t already been said?
It’s sweet, it’s sentimental, Macaulay Culkin may well give the best kids performance of his generation and it’s uproariously funny.
Yes Peter McAllister probably has to be a mob accountment to afford all this. Yes Uncle Frank is a complete jerk and should have gotten a paint can to the face and no, a red hot door handle won’t really leave in imprint like that.
Utter Christmas brilliance.
Best Bit – Honestly? The church scene between Kevin and the old man. Gets me every time.
Best Christmas Movie featuring (but not ruined by) Donald Trump
HOME ALONE 2: LOST IN NEW YORK
Harry and Marv ought to be dead before this movie is over. Actually technically they should have died in the first movie (see Better Watch Out). But they’re back and this time Kevin has, through ingeniously plotted shenanigans, ended up in New York. Which is great… for Macaulay Culkin who not only give paid $5 million for the gig but he could stay in his own house during filming.
But regardless, a Christmas classic.
Best Bit – The clever way Kevin gets on the wrong plane – constantly referencing and reversing the plotline of the first film.
Best Christmas Film in which the human race goes extinct
SILENT NIGHT
That’s not a spoiler. (SPOILERS – okay it kind of is)
That’s literally the premise of the movie. A cloud of poison pollution caused gas is moving across the Earth’s surface and wiping out all human life. It’s Christmas Eve and a bunch of middle class Brits are gathered together with their families to eat Christmas dinner then die together. How do you make a fun Christmas movie about that?
This is how.
Such a wonderfully dark black comedy.
Best Bit – Either the potato portions or “this coke is warm.”
Best Christmas movie in which Santa tries to kidnap and eat children
RARE EXPORTS: A CHRISTMAS TALE
This might well be my favourite Christmas film of all time. Honestly. Part horror film, part thriller, part Christmas story and just loads of fun. A rich guy blows up a mountain because he thinks the Sami people buried something dangerous in there, encased in a block of ice, a long, long time ago.
A kid obsessed with Santa starts to suspect something is wrong.
And all the reindeer are slaughtered.
Just brilliant.
Best Bit – When the adults finally start listening to the kid and he comes up with an explosive way to solve everything.
Best Christmas Movie featuring elves fermenting an overthrow of the Government
A BOY CALLED CHRISTMAS
The British do seem to do Christmas movies better than the Americans, don’t they? I mean no offense – but the British just seem to get it right more often. Like this one. A thoroughly enjoyable, meaningful, and Christmassy tale.
Best Bit – Actually the start, with Maggie Smith. She’s great isn’t she?
Best Christmas Movie featuring a TV getting karate kicked
8 BIT CHRISTMAS
The parallels to A Christmas Story are obvious. But this movie stands in its own right as hugely engaging and entertaining. And perhaps I’m biased because I was the same age as the protagonist at exactly the same time – but this movie nails a certain type of childhood experience.
Best Bit – The heist at the mall was great but actually it’s the dog poop clean up scene at the end. So unexpectedly good!
Best Christmas Movie in which you may shoot your eye out.
A CHRISTMAS STORY
Finally saw this one again after many, many years and I have to say – it’s great! The comedic tone is perfect in this nostalgic tale for Christmas like none of us have ever experienced – yet so relatable. Also, I learned from watching this as a kid to never, ever, ever lick a pole on a snowy day.
Best Bit – When Ralphie’s mother covers for him – the look of astonishment on his face.
Best Christmas Movie in which really improbable physics happen (with apologies to The Polar Express)
DIE HARD 2
Yes, they pretty much repeated the same plot. Just with a change of location. But hey – so did Home Alone 2 and like that early 90’s masterpiece, Die Hard 2 is terrifically entertaining, with great action sequences and an explosively satisfying ending.
Best Bit – I mean… jet fuel doesn’t work like that. But still, such a great climax.
Best Swedish Christmas movie featuring sad children.
FANNY AND ALEXANDER
Absolutely masterpiece and quite probably the meanest stepfather I’ve ever seen in a film (and that’s saying a lot).
Best Bit – The idyllic Swedish Christmas which opens the film, before everything goes bad.
Best Christmas movie in which everyone has creepy dead eyes:
THE POLAR EXPRESS
I saw this at the movies many years ago. There was something slightly off about it then. There still is. I have a feeling that when AI becomes self-aware and starts to attack the human race – this is the form they’ll use. It won’t be like the Terminator movies. It’ll be like the Polar Express.
Best Bit – The whole thing. I for one welcome our AI overlords…
Best Christmas movie with a dodgy CGI snowman making awful snow related puns
JACK FROST
This movie should be a lot worse than it is. Honestly. The trailer makes it look terrible. But it’s actually not too bad, and surprisingly re-watchable. But what is it about kids Christmas movies where a parent dies brutally halfway through?
Best Bit – When Charlie realises the snow man IS his dad.
Best use of a blender in a Christmas movie:
GREMLINS
Best Bit – the movie theatre.
Sweetest Christmas movie featuring a real-life meeting between two famous authors
ROALD AND BEATRIX THE TALE OF A CURIOUS MOUSE
Possibly the most Christmassy Christmas movie on the list. Tells a fictional tale of the real life meeting between a six year-old Roald Dahl, grieving for his sister and father (who died within a month of each other) and the elderly Beatrix Potter who is churning out happy bunny stories so she can expand her land holdings. It does feature rather a lot of scenes of people chasing a duck with a large knife – for a kids movie.
Best Bit – Roald’s mother surprising him at the train station.
Second Best Christmas Movie featuring paint-cans in the face (you were warned!)
BETTER WATCH OUT
Marketed as a standard Christmas horror film, this movie has a beautiful twist that makes it a lot of fun to watch. And young Australian actor Levi Miller (so sympathetic in Jasper Jones) is perfect in this role.
Best Bit – Depends on your mood but the scene with the paint can is really memorable…
Best Christmas movies in which scary weird Christmas toys eat children
KRAMPUS
Another dark, violent, and gruesome Christmas movie which was enormous fun. Part of the ‘Kid knows something weird is happening at Christmas, but the adults don’t listen to him’ sub-category (also see Violent Night, Gremlins and Jack Frost).
Best Bit – “Dad, you don’t actually believe all that – do you?”
Best Christmas movie I’d be happy never to watch again
ELF
Yes really.
Best Bit – Where I get to watch something else.
Best Commercial disguised as a Christmas movie
JINGLE ALL THE WAY
I don’t know what else to say about Jingle All the Way other than – whatever happened to Sinbad? And this is the movie Jake Lloyd did directly before he got cast as Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars the Phantom Menace.
Best Bit – Apparently the Turbo Man suit was a really effective disguise, even when your father and husband, who speaks in an Austrian accent is standing right next to you.
Best Christmas Movie featuring child labour in a shoe polish factory
THE MAN WHO INVENTED CHRISTMAS
It’s odd to spend a Christmas movie rooting for the main character to get the printers on time (this isn’t The Post after all), but in this one you do – cheering on Charles Dickens as he rushes A Christmas Carol from inspiration to publication in only six weeks.
Also part of the sub-genre of ‘Movies in which genius authors have to confront short-sighted publishers (see Roald and Beatrix).
Best Bit – When Dickens’ maid petitions for Tiny Tim to live.
And last one...
Best Bloody Christmas Movie
VIOLENT NIGHT
A bloody brilliant tale of despicable rich people, equally despicable thieves and Santa remembering his Viking Warrior heritage by smashing people’s heads in with a hammer.
Yes really.
Nothing original here. The film makers look to have poured Die Hard and Home Alone into a blender and printed the resulting script. But great fun never-the-less.
Best Bit – Swinging that hammer….
Anyway – if you can’t find something decent to watch from that list then you’re just not trying.
Comments